- ChiefZangoose
- Posts : 52
Join date : 2019-10-16
Location : The Zangoose Tribe of Myroohm, Central Oklahomer
pokmun sordshild
Mon Jun 15, 2020 6:56 am
Picture a happy man. Happily playing Pokemon until the disaster that is France. That is not me, for I have always been angry. Angry about frogs. About wrestlers. About...dex cuts.
Before we start, I want everyone to know this is what my home screen looks like. I could be doing anything else. Yet. For some reason, I feel compelled. I feel compelled to put my demons to bed. I need to. I have to.
I have to. I have to. I have to. I have to. I have to. I have to. I WILL.
Welcome to my special hell. What's the rules of this mini LP? Nothing. Absolutely goddamn nothing. I feel like I'm going to have fun until bagpipes start playing and I violently vomit. I already have a stomachache. I feel ill. Let's go make sure curry gives us death.
Before we start, I want everyone to know this is what my home screen looks like. I could be doing anything else. Yet. For some reason, I feel compelled. I feel compelled to put my demons to bed. I need to. I have to.
I have to. I have to. I have to. I have to. I have to. I have to. I WILL.
Welcome to my special hell. What's the rules of this mini LP? Nothing. Absolutely goddamn nothing. I feel like I'm going to have fun until bagpipes start playing and I violently vomit. I already have a stomachache. I feel ill. Let's go make sure curry gives us death.
- ChiefZangoose
- Posts : 52
Join date : 2019-10-16
Location : The Zangoose Tribe of Myroohm, Central Oklahomer
Re: pokmun sordshild
Mon Jun 15, 2020 8:42 am
CHAPTER 1: 115$
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
FOURTY MINUTES AND 55 EXTRA FUCKING DOLLARS LATER, WE'RE READY TO FUCKING START THIS GODDAMN FUCKING JEW APOCALYPSE
So we're thrown right into this shit without warning, and we may as well select our horny, delectable Scottish princess. NO PAJEET ALLOWED BY ORDER OF CHIEF ZANGOOSE
Yeah that seems about right
Yeah, cause I really want that. ... But maybe I do since this game can CRASH at a moment's notice.
LIVESTREAMING, THE WAY OF THE FUTURE. I actually do love all the little thumbnails to the right, it's charming. A lot more fucks given than Hawaii.
Ah yes. YOU. YOUUUUU.
I'LL GET TO YOU IN DUE TIME YOU FUCKING CUNT.
I'm not happy to be here.
Rose stares off into the distance if you don't move the camera. ... Oh right, this is Chairman Rose. My love/hate character. Get used to him I guess. It's kinda funny, like he's desperately reading a teleprompter the more you linger there. Oh wait, I can cut the chaff of screenshots and just talk. Thank God.
You know, they give him such a good role in this game, then shit all over it because they can't fucking write above 1st grade level.
As you can see, Pokemon and Trainers are living here as equals.
Rose's mouth hangs open here for an uncomfy amount of time, as if he's had a stroke live onstage. I accept this is part of the plot and why he does something retarded.
"Look, he and I match! We have the same nose, the same gorgeous charm, and we both shit where we want!"
Officer Dad Bod sure loves his theatrics.
He honestly looks like he's about 5 minutes away from shitting himself.
Pokemon Trainers. Some would call them Slave owners, which I'm sure this region is very familiar with.
This is the most doll-like crowd I've ever seen. It looks like they're waking up from a PTSD-induced trauma.
God I hate you. This is Leon. Mr. Unbeatable himself. He's...alright I guess. Certainly the most prolific champion we've had in the series.
See?
Why are Britain's best champions fucking brown? Do you value the Indian takeover that much?
At any point if I just switch off and ramble, know I'm 4 seconds away from hanging myself. That was a Dynamax, a mechanic banned from its own fanbase due to how broken it is.
shep
Oh goddamnit, India's come back to colonize us again. Mom forgot to put out the curry so they go away after being fed.
'Thank you from ordering through our live service model at the PokeBreeding Panopticon. Your order should arrive within the hour.'
"About bloody time, these bawbags couldn't send it fast enough."
'This service will now shut down and reopen at this address.'
"Fuckin' hell."
"Yeah, what is it t'you, wanker? Do y'think you can afford one wit' yer shit-covered 'ands?"
"Ugh. Hop, sod off, I'm busy."
This is Hop. You dont need to know anything about him except he WILL NOT get off your entire ass for the entire game.
"Hop, Ah'll fuckin' merk ya if y'force me t'do this shit."
"UGH, DON'T FECKIN' RESPOND T'IM! SHOW 'IM TH' FUCKIN' DOOR!"
'Yeah, today's the big day! Today's th' day we git our Pokemon ready! Feck the match, we need t'go!'
"Ah, y'fuckin' degen."
"Mnn."
"...Decisions. Go on a 'venture with me cunt neighbor and git my own Pokemon, or sit 'ere and live as a cook."
....
"Christ alive, it's better n' sittin' 'round 'ere tryin' t'fuckin' read."
"Yeh yeah, show me where it is."
Elaine gets dressed up like the tart she is.
"Gotta get this cut later..."
"Fuck's sake. I KNOW WHERE AH'M GOIN' YA KNOBHEAD!!"
"Now you listen'ere ya pint-sized pajeet. I'm not in th'mood fer yer fuckin' shit, I'm expectin' me a package. Now GIT!"
Elaine goes down the street to Hop's house. You're stopped by this guy every step of the way so forgive me if I abridge.
"Cunts think they're noice with their fookin' garden pond n' battle gym. Life 'ere in Postwick is suckin' the champ's indian carrot."
Fun thing to note, this game is always online so now it's an extra layer of pain in my fucking ass to send screenshots since I gotta disconnect it to send tweets.
So we go in, Hop's annoying as usual and wants to see the useful character in the game.
'I'll have everything ready for a barbecue when you get back!'
"Aye, fair 'nough. I'll fetch 'im."
ABRIDGE TIME
Leon sucks. Fuck you.
They talk for a bit, Elaine gets recognized because Hop mentioned us non-stop as the girl who's always inside and never bothered going outside due to crippling loneliness. So Leon is going to give us a good friend.
Thank all gods that Hop is not too far behind, as I can't stand talking to this smug prick for more than 8 seconds.
With that, Hop and I depart for Leon's house. It's explicitly referred to his house, like just in general. This game does not treat Hop well and I'm not actually being hyperbolic in these memes. Leon has a present he wants to give us, and it's not just Pokemon either. No my boys, we are about to witness the beginning of the end.
Leon tosses out his balls.
Leon: "Which will you choose?"
Hop: 'Go on, Elaine, you pick first. I already have my Wooloo after all."
I picked Scorbunny and I can't afford to restart.
Yes, this is my choice, get used to it. The others are just fucking terrible, this thing gets Protean, fuck off, CHURCH OF FIRE RABBIT FOREVER, CIN-DER-ACE
Say hello to Cammie! She's a Brave Scorbunny who's very, very stubborn, so naturally that means she is literally going to yell at God to protect us. Only downside is she's slow, which is terrible for a Scorbunny cause they pride themselves on speed. On the flip side, she is going to hit like an Isekai truck.
But poor Sobble isn't without his dues, either.
Leon: "Charizard will show you the ropes! He's real strict, but also real kind too! You'll do great, I just know it!"
Hop: "Hah, that's my Lee! Gives everyone a fair chance, he does!"
After the festivities are concluded, it's actually time to eat. See, that grill right there is a lot of magic. It is the last fucking foodstuff we are going to see onscreen. Before... THE CURRYING. The Currying will be explained in due time. For now, take a good, long look at this shit.
Elaine enjoys a nice, solemn moment with Cammie and Hop. Mostly Cammie as Elaine proceeds to sit away from Hop. Fun fact, Hop shares Hau's animations break for break, and it is so noticable if you played Sun and Moon.
Later that night...
Elaine is lying comfortably in her own bed for the last time. She has her hands on her head and just stares up at the ceiling as it's outrageously dark now. Cammie lies comfortably on her chest, doing the same and mimicking her as she gently blinks. Elaine glances downwards towards the rabbit. It doesn't seem to like sitting still, that's for sure. It already feels like running around but it seems like it's getting just as tired as she is, if not moreso.
"Wonder what you can really do," Elaine says as she gently tugs on its ear with a smirk. The rabbit looks up at her with confusion and a small squeak noise, causing its mouth to open. "You look like a fighter already. It's pretty cool having my own Pokemon..."
Cammie gives a small grunt of bunny in acknowledgement, then flexes as she's still staring at her upside down and looking confident! This bunny is ready!
"Ah, you're gonna be a good one, I can feel it... Don't tell anyone this is how I really talk though, got it?"
'Scor,' is all the bunny can say as Elaine chuckles along with Cammie. The two end up falling asleep together, laying there like logs until morning comes....
THE NEXT DAY
Hop and Elaine finally reunite. It's here where I have given up on trying to use images to convey this as this is about 20 minutes of bullshit and sidetracking. Leon is there too to give them another fucking lecture. It's mainly BELIEVE IN YOURSELF SHIT.
Leon: "Ah, Elaine, there you are! How're you getting along with Cammie?"
Elaine: "Bout th' same as you I guess."
Leon: "Awesome! I expected nothing less from you! You spent the whole night with that new partner of yours, right, Hop? You two getting on all right? Understanding one another? Maybe even built up a bit of love?"
Hop: "Course I have, Lee! Elaine's seeming to be fast friends with her Scorbunny too! See, Grookey's actually pretty relaxed! Sometimes we get into a bit of a scrap over what music to pla--"
Leon: "Then listen up, new Trainers! Believe in yourself and your Pokémon! If you trust in one another and carry on battling side by side long enough, then someday... you might even become worthy rivals for me, the unbeatable Champion!"
Hop smiles.
Leon looks directly at Elaine.
Hop: "...Hey, what're you looking at her for, Lee?! I'm the one who'll be coming to challenge you! If you think Elaine might be able to challenge you, then I guess she's my first rival! But I'm not planning on losing to her and miss out on my chance to beat the unbeatable champion!"
Leon seemingly chuckles at Hop, still looking at Elaine.
Hop gives a small huff, but still keeps his smile. He turns to Elaine.
"Just having a Pokemon with you doesn't make you a real trainer, you know. Proper trainers raise their Pokemon up to be first-rate in battle too!"
"Is that a fookin' challenge, mate?"
Elaine starts scowling.
"Oh, and you think you're worthy of calling yourself such a proper trainer, Hop?" Leon chuckles as he smirks, even rubbing his chin at him. "Guess I'll be the judge of that! Let's see how you handle yourself in a battle against your friend, if she's up for it!"
Elaine scoffs, dragging her boot across the ground.
"C'mon then."
"Believe in your partner Pokemon," Leon says with a hearty gusto, "And care for them, with all your heart! Do these two things, and I'm certain you'll learn the right moves for your Pokemon and then some! And more importantly, how to have a champion time with them as well!"
Leon stands back, crossing his arms with a powerful smile. One of assurance and royal breed.
"Everyone ready, trainers and Pokemon alike? Then let's get to it!"
Hop does a double fistpump, smirking at Elaine.
"I've watched every match Lee's ever had! I've read every book and magazine he left at home, too! I know exactly what to do in order to win!"
"Then BRING IT ON!!"
Elaine reaches for Cammie, and tosses her straight out!
i am not transcribing this
Leon laughs loudly as he puts his hands on his hips.
"Now that's a champion match I expected from you, Elaine! Very well done!"
Hop scoffs, keeping a fine attitude about his loss.
"That's the kind of showmanship I expect from Leon every day, Elaine! You're a real flash gal!"
Leon shakes his head, turning towards his brother slightly smug. His cape practically billows in the wind.
"So... You think you can take on the greatest challenge Galar's ever seen? Not putting the Rapidash before the Cart there, Little Brother?"
"I gotta try, I'll get stronger and stronger! C'mon Lee--you've seen me battle, you gotta let me take on the Pokemon Gym!"
Hop is ready!
"Haha, I see... If that's the case, then you two will need to learn a lot more about Pokemon. A Pokedex would do for starters... A trainer's Pokedex helps then learn a lot of things about the Pokemon out there, including their strengths. Even their locations, impact, and power of Galar as a whole! It's more than just a collection of data. It's a Trainer's love and passion for Pokemon and their region as a whole."
Leon pauses, seeming to have fond memories as he glances up to the Galarian sky.
"Right, right, we get it," Hop says as Leon snaps out of it and looks towards him, "Pokedexes, we got it!"
"Looks like it's off to the Research Lab for you and me, Elaine!"
Leon pauses but turns away from Hop.
"...That's the kind of enthusiasm a Trainer needs! I'll let the professor know to expect you!"
With that, Leon actually departs. We are now stuck with Hop in a way, as we proceed to go outside, Hop notices the shep from before has broken into a gate to the Slumbering Weald. That's not a good sign as that thing might actually be in danger. Hop gets up in arms and drags us inside there.
. . .
The Slumbering Weald is our first 'dungeon', basically guiding you around a foggy forest fighting Pokemon you can't catch for Experience that doesn't overly matter because you'll be a fucking powerhouse in a few hours anyway in this game. It's kind of a slog so I'll paraphrase it. There's nothing really in here and Hop seems to be more concerned about the sheep than his own personal safety, causing Elaine to have to chase after him. It's only a few minutes later that Hop and Elaine get into some nasty fuckery as the fog becomes too thick for them to see.
Suddenly, a mysterious figure appears to ambush the party... Seeming to be the one making the fog...
"...Elaine," Hop says as he moves to back up a bit as he seems the giant beast, "What is THAT?!"
"I sure as hell don't know, but stay back, you've taken a beating."
Elaine sends out Cammie to try and fight it.
Try as you might, you can't really deal much damage to it or any damage at all. The fog becomes so thick to see through that it makes fighting impossible, and makes Elaine black the fuck out after it's all over, prompting Leon and Hop to actually rescue you. This is as good as the game gets with mystique, sadly...
Leon scolds you both and drags you right towards the lab. I'm serious, you're basically on rails with Hop and nothing eventful really happens. I'll skip forward.
Elaine and Hop finally reach there and start to get their Pokedexes. Sonia knows Leon, quite well in fact, but she wants to see our phone. Yes, this iPhone will become the Pokedex!
It's time to finally start the gaaaaaaaaMNSFDSDRDSASDRTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
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